


Just Here, Holding On

by Alex_Heichou



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, I'll tag this as needed, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-16
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-18 04:15:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3555692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alex_Heichou/pseuds/Alex_Heichou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was a stupid God like blonde for coming into his life and acting like it was perfectly fine for him to be there. Levi felt even dumber for letting him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Here, Holding On

The fact that someone had told him he had to go to a bar tonight specifically because of a certain blonde man with overly large eyebrows was something that Levi wasn’t very sure he was comfortable with. Shitty Glasses had done an amazing job of describing his overall physique, and Levi couldn’t help but wonder if she was grabbing out of her ass or staring at some model in a magazine. ‘Greek God status to the max, on point eyebrows and a Captain America face, if you’ve ever seen that movie. No? God Levi get with society.’

His phone was going off for what felt like the third time this evening and he knew exactly who it was. Hanji was once again assaulting his inbox to try and get him somewhere he really didn’t want to be. It was probably about that man, what was his name? Edwin? That sounded sort of right. Jesus, who names their kid Edwin and things they’ll have a happy childhood?

Probably the same type of parents who would name their kid Levi and dump him to live with his uncle.

Levi sat back in his desk chair letting out a groan as his phone started vibrating again immediately after it had stopped. She wasn’t going to let up. He let it ring for a while longer before leaning forward in his chair and taking the damning object into his hand.

“Hello?”

“Levi! Thank God I got a hold of you!”

“I’m not coming out tonight.”

“But you don’t understand, I was going to invite him specifically for you.”

“No.”

“Did you look at the picture I sent you?”

“No…” He let out a sigh and pulled his phone away from his ear. He went into his messages and indeed there was a new picture sent from the one and only Hanji Zoe.

Holy shit.

“Are you seeing it?!” Her voice was screeching excitedly out of the speakers so loudly he could hear it from a distance. 

Was she being completely serious?  It was a picture of him and the group, did he work with her? Was she actually trying to hook him up with someone from the hospital?

He was beautiful though. Levi couldn’t deny that. From the blurry cell phone shot he could tell that he was tall. His height was making him stand slightly above other people she’d captured in the photo. That would make him miniscule compared to himself. His blonde hair was cropped in a way that would made anyone else look ridiculous, but it only highlighted the man’s sharp cheek bones and huge eyebrows. Basically he was out of his league.

“Levi are you there?!” The words made him snap back to reality. He needed to keep to his resolve, he wasn’t going out tonight.

“Hanji the fact that someone is gorgeous doesn’t change the fact that I’m not coming to meet you at some bar. Besides, he’s probably straight.”

“He’s not.”

Levi wasn’t really sure how she knew that, but he didn’t question it. Hanji tended to be right about this kind of stuff. So, while that gave him points for sexuality it didn’t change his plans for the evening.

“Hanji-“

“Please Levi.”

“I don’t want too-“

“I’m begging you.”

“Hanji I’m not-“

“Levi you haven’t left your apartment all week.” Her voice seemed to drop its happy tone.

He paused at that. Had it really been that long? He thought he’d at least gone for groceries or something… no, that wasn’t right…that was why he’d been eating dry cereal for breakfast in the morning.

Okay, so maybe she had a point. Maybe he needed to get out more. He just didn’t want it to be because of some hot guy. He wasn’t looking to bring anyone home. He didn’t need a relationship, he didn’t need anyone to fuck. He was perfectly happy the way his life was currently. As long as he kept that lie going he supposed there was nothing that could hurt him.

“If not for a handsome man, for me? Just come have a drink with us, we miss you. I promise I won’t invite him.”

God, they were all going then. They would all just sitting around a table wishing he’d show up. He could only imagine Petra’s disappointment if he blatantly refused to come. Aruo probably wouldn’t care that much, but Eld and Gunter would. Moblit was probably hovering around the group too, unless he had some sort of overtime he was doing. He was never really sure about that kid.

“Fine.”

He heard some sort of excited babble coming from Hanji and then she was back on the line. “Pick you up in a half an hour, I love you Lee Lee.”

“Call me that again and I’ll end you.”

He heard her laugh. Then hang up the phone, silently cursing the world that he actually had to make himself look presentable for something that he’d been so close to avoiding.  

 

* * *

 

 

The trip to the bar with Hanji and Petra had been interesting. Of course Hanji was driving, she always did. Petra, her fiancée, was seated shot gun. Nothing less was deserving of ‘Hanji’s Queen.’ So Levi was stuck like their child in the back seat. They were arguing about something trivial, knowing them it was probably about which one of them loved the other more. It was always something lovey dovey. They were rather perfect in that way. He wouldn’t admit it, but he appreciated them being the one constant in his life that never seemed to change. Sometimes he needed it more than he realized.

The bar was the one they usually all met up at. Erd and Aruo were already there, seated at a table further off to the back. He supposed they were just waiting on Gunter and possibly Moblit.

He followed the girls in, trailing behind them quietly. His hands were jammed into his pockets, thumbing over a brand new travel sized container of hand sanitizer in his left and in his right a few packets of wet wipes.  The goal was not to use them. He supposed they were like silent reminders that he was okay and he could continue to be okay. Probably.

He sat down in a chair between Erd and Hanji, listening quietly to their conversations, greetings, laughter. For right now he didn’t feel like he had anything interesting to the conversation. He didn’t have an interest in what they were talking about, and they’d all known him for long enough to know that he’d say something if he wanted too.

They all got drinks, except for him. He wasn’t about to tempt fate.

 At some point Gunter showed up. Apparently Moblit wasn’t coming, he had to work over time. Lucky him in Levi’s opinion. He didn’t want to have to listen to this dull conversation, he wished he wouldn’t have agreed to this in the first place.

“Did you hear about that patient-” Gunter started.

“The one that came into the ER laughing about the knife jabbed through his foot? I was in the Pit for that, but I wasn’t able to get to them first.” Aruo had a knack for interrupting other people’s story and making it about himself. Levi didn’t mind him, he was straight forward and though things through. But he was self-centered, just enough to make him the ‘annoying’ one in the group.

“Did we actually ever find out why he was laughing?” Hanji asked, intrigued by the sound of it.

“Nope, but I do know it had something to do with drugs,” Petra supplied.

Levi actually liked when they all started talking about the hospital. They always managed to bring up the interesting stories. Hanji was a general surgeon, and one of the best ones around. She’d met Petra through work, the dermatology department. Eld was a physical therapist, Gunter worked in radiology and Aruo was in plastics. He was probably the most obnoxious and self-promoting doctor Levi had ever the pleasure of meeting, but he was good at what he did and generally not to annoying around the patients.

It might have seemed strange that Levi was hanging around them. An author and a bunch of doctors really didn’t mix. It wasn’t like Levi didn’t understand their lingo, that he was uneducated. He’d gone to med school with Hanji. He’d been a surgical intern, resident, and attending, moving up the ranks right alongside her. But…he’d quit. That life was behind him now. He didn’t need to be a doctor to be happy or feel fulfilled. He’d just continue his life quietly. Obviously that was why the universe had pitched him such a blow.

Hell, he hadn’t even published anything yet. He really only acting like he was trying to write a novel so Hanji would lay off. He had made quite a bit of money doing as he had and now he was living in a shitty apartment buying food only as needed. As needed was a bit less than normal people’s cabinet’s capacity.

“Did you see how the on call room was locked earlier?-”

And so they were back to talking, but this time it was about drama in their workplace rather the patient’s interesting cases. Levi didn’t have an interest for that, it wasn’t something he wanted to hear about. He didn’t care who slept with who, it was a thing of the past anyway.

Levi start looking off into space, his gaze training through the door and quietly watching the people that would walk through it. The bar was notoriously the one that the medical professionals hung out that actually worked at the hospital. A lot of the people in the bar currently were staff. He vaguely recognized their faces, but the memories of the background works he’d seen as his co-workers was fading rather quickly.

The door opened again, what looked like a…giant coming through. Blonde hair, blue eyes, huge eyebrows…wait a second.

It was him, it was the guy from the photos Hanji was showing earlier. He couldn’t believe this was happening, she had promised that she wouldn’t invite him.

The blonde man glanced behind him as he held the door open for another man, a blonde woman and a guy with a mustache. He was pretty sure he’d seen the first guy before. He worked at the hospital, a psychologist or something. Levi was pretty sure he’d met him on a couple of occasions.

So, was he not here because of Hanji? He glanced her, she seemed to have spotted them too. There was confusion written all over her face. Well that was partly a relief. At least he wouldn’t be expected to socialize with him.

He watched him cross the room, walk with the group and sit down at a table a short distance from them. In hind sight, staring at him probably wasn’t the way to go with this. If Hanji hadn’t invited him the blonde probably didn’t know what he looked like anyway. He had nothing to worry about. He didn’t have to go and talk to him, explaining all the reasons he hadn’t wanted to meet him.

But, he couldn’t stop staring. That blonde man was absolutely beautiful. Everything Hanji had described about him was completely true, and it was pissing Levi off. He was a doctor, he was a hot doctor. Or...he was a nurse. There was nothing _wrong_ with that. Nurses were important to the functioning of any hospital. While he’d worked at one he’d always gone out of his way to try and keep them off his bad side.

Wait, where had he been going with that?

Right, how fucking hot this blonde guy was. He’d been right to think that Hanji was just pulling a description out of her ass. He’d been right to think she’d sent him a picture of a model. If he didn’t know better he would have guessed that. He probably would have thought he was an actor or something considering the charismatic smile he was flashing…at him.

He’d caught him looking. No, he’d caught him _staring_. He should have looked away. Why hadn’t he looked away? What the hell had he been thinking? What if he thought he was a complete looser? What if he came over to talk to him now?

His fist clenched around the small bottle of hand sanitizer in his pocket.

Was his face turning red? He wouldn’t be surprised if it was. Why hadn’t he looked away yet? The blonde man’s smile was growing more and more embarrassed by the second.

He was internally screaming at himself to turn away and finally managed to rip his eyes from the man. He needed to get up, to walk away, and to stop himself the embarrassment.

Whatever conversation that had been going on at his own table was abruptly cut short by Levi’s slightly uneasy voice. “Anyone need something else to drink?”

They all stopped talking, looking at him. He could feel Hanji’s concerned look from a mile away, and with her sitting right next him it was like her eyes were burning through his skull.

“No? Great.” He stood up quickly, pulling out his chair and shoving it back into its place.

He was glad that she hadn’t followed. He knew she was still watching him though. He made his way up to the counter, sitting down on a stool. He didn’t call the bartender over, he didn’t care enough. It had just been an excuse to get away from the table, to turn his back on that dumb blonde’s table. Levi didn’t drink. Not even a little. He’d had alcohol before, it wasn’t like he was an addict. He just didn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t worth what could happen in his eyes.

So when the bartender finally did as him what he wanted, his lame request was, “Pepsi or water.” It had to be Pepsi; that specific brand.

The bartender asked him if Coke was okay.

He didn’t leave the stool as he started sipping his water. He needed a moment to recollect his thoughts. He couldn’t go back over there now. Not after he’d so blatantly lost to the other male in their battle of the wits. It was obvious to him that he was reading far too much into this. The man probably had tons of people staring at him.

Besides, he shouldn’t care so much what he thought about him, he wasn’t even looking for anyone. It didn’t matter if that stupid blonde Edwin-

“Hello.”

Levi jerked his head up, falling out of thought. There, standing with his hand outstretched was the blonde. He was silent for a moment, hand gripping the sanitizer a bit more tightly. He couldn’t tell him to get lost. That would be rude considering he’d started it.

“Hi.” Levi glanced at his offer to shake and sighed. “I don’t do that,” He mumbled, turning around in his chair. Wow, good job. Blunt as always. This guy was going to think he was a fucking saint.

He didn’t let himself see the man’s reaction to his comment, but he was surprised when he found him taking a seat next to him.

“I’ll have whatever he’s having.”

It was water. The guy was ordering himself a glass of water. Wasn’t it plain to him that it wasn’t vodka or any other carbonation? Levi didn’t say anything though. Maybe the guy hadn’t even been paying attention to what he was drinking. Maybe it wouldn’t have mattered.

“So, were you appreciating the view?”

Levi nearly spit out his drink, looking up and turning to the blonde. He had a smug expression on his face. It was clear he wasn’t trying to be mean, but he clearly found it funny.

“S-sorry.” He stuttered. He’d actually stuttered. He hadn’t stuttered since a few months ago. He gripped the bottle of hand sanitizer a bit more tightly. He felt as though he was suddenly aware of just how disgusting this bar was. There was a glass with a lipstick stain a few seats down from him and he highly doubted this counter had been wiped off as much as it could have been.

What the hell was wrong with him? He needed to ignore that shit. It didn’t matter. Touching things that other people touched was not the end of the world. He didn’t need to clean it, he didn’t need to leave, he was fine.

 “Don’t be sorry,” the blonde man was using a gentler tone now. He didn’t sound as full of himself, Levi was rather thankful for that.

“I mean, I didn’t think someone that looked like you would notice me.”

Levi snorted into his drink. Maybe he needed to stop trying to drink anything while talking to this guy. He was saying enough outrageous stuff that he’d probably do something to his water sometime soon.

“Was that supposed to be sarcastic?” He regretted the words as they came out of his mouth. He knew he was supposed to accept complements, if only just to be polite. However, he just didn’t see how a man Hanji had correctly compared to Greek god could possibly find him in any way attractive.      

“No.” He didn’t look like he was lying. He had a rather honest expression about him. He looked kind, not like someone who would lie for the sake of lying. Levi couldn’t help but feel even more drawn in by that quality…not that he was looking to date. That wasn’t what was happening here.

“What’s your name anyway?” He mumbled, glancing back at his table. He knew there was no way Hanji wasn’t sneaking glances back at both of them. Her setup hadn’t even happened and they still were sitting next to each other and having a chat. That was kind of weird to him, but it didn’t really matter at this point. They were already together, he figured he could just ride it out.

“Erwin Smith.”

Levi had to stop himself from blurting out that Erwin wasn’t much better than Edwin.

“What’s yours, if I may ask?” Why the hell was he being such a gentleman about all of this? Was it just his personality, or was he trying to get into his pants? He wouldn’t be shocked if it was both. If it was just one though, specifically the later, he was going to be sorrowfully disappointed.

“It’s...Levi, Levi Ackerman.”

Erwin took a sip of his water and Levi could see the smile that crossed his features. “Not a fan of alcohol hmm?”

Levi shook his head. “It turns people into uncontrolled beasts. I don’t see the need to intoxicate myself for the sake of ‘getting loose.’”

The man looked a bit surprised by the statement, but didn’t say anything. Maybe Levi had just foiled his plan into getting him just drunk enough to get him into bed.

“Well, Levi Ackerman.” Levi trained his eyes on the man, wondering if the next words out of his mouth would make or break this man.

“I would really love to continue talking to you, but I came with friends so I can’t just go about chatting up hot strangers at the bar.” He pulled a pen out of his pocket--Levi had no idea why he would keep one in there, but by god he did--and started scribbling a few numbers own onto a napkin. “This is my number, if you would like to go out sometime, well…I hope that you’d consider doing so with me.” He slid the napkin over to him, capped his pen, drained his water and then left him to think.

He hadn’t been put off by his staring? He hadn’t come over here just to mess with him? It all just felt so unlikely, but Levi was inclined to believe it was true. There had never been anything that had felt insincere about the interaction, and he was a good judge of character. Sure, it confused him that Erwin would even bother to look at someone like him…but he had.

He had a feeling he was going to be using this napkin at some point. Folding it, he shoved it into his pocket and got up to rejoin his own table.

Hanji immediately jumped him, grabbing onto his arm with an all knowing smirk on her face. “You were talking to him! Did you like him? He gave you his number right?” Without even waiting for an answer, she was leaning on his shoulder. “Oh my God you guys are gonna be great together!”

Levi was shifting in his chair, a bit uncomfortable with Hanji touching him. She was a bit drunker than when he’d left. She always had been a bit of a lightweight. Petra was the one with an amazing tolerance. She would be the one driving home. Besides, it looked like she’d only had one beer.

Her entire chest was leaning on his arm, and that was just making it intolerable to sit here again. “Hanji, get off me,” he grumbled, doing his best to act like it wasn’t bothering him and that everything was perfectly fine.

She finally did, pulling herself back upright in her chair. They all continued talking, but his mind was stuck.

Hanji was drunk. Hanji pukes when she’s drunk. Hanji could have puked on herself. Hanji could have just touched him with vomit.

Obviously it hadn’t happened, she would have to be a bit drunker than this before anything like that happened. There was no evidence of it on her shirt, and the fact that no one had cringed when she’d touched him should have been a good enough indication. His mind wasn’t one to let things go though. His skin was crawling and he felt the overwhelming need to rush into that most likely unclean bathroom and scrub himself until he felt clean again. His mind seemed to be overly agreeing with that issue.

That…that was unreasonable though. That was what he was supposed to tell himself anyway. Thoughts like that were unreasonable and a waste of time. If he acted on them the only thing he was going to do was make his OCD worse.

He pulled out his small bottle of hand sanitizer. This was the first time it had come out of his pocket in a while. He’d never used it and he didn’t plan on it, but he needed to be able to see it.

Had he even taken his pills today? Probably not, he didn’t remember. He was sure he’d seen the bottle at some point and casually decided to skip over it. In fact he’d probably only taken them every other day this week. It just wasn’t effecting him as much until now. His apartment was safe to him, everywhere else was not.

Through the rest of the night the urges didn’t get better. He hadn’t expected them too of course. They were his compulsions, the feelings of anxiety that got worse the longer he would put them off. He focused on them more and more until he wasn’t really thinking about anything else. He was set in the trance, imagining exactly what he would be doing once he got home.

He’d give in, he hadn’t given himself a proper cleaning in ages. His kitchen hadn’t been thoroughly scrubbed the way he liked for a couple months now. He should probably throw out all the food, who knew what kind of bacteria could be growing on it now considering the way he’d been living. Everything had to be perfectly clean and orderly. Screw his therapist’s idea of leaving his bed a bit messy. That was like asking him to spill milk and not clean it up. Besides, the thought of his unmade bed in an otherwise orderly room was making his physically ill. Or maybe that was his anxiety.

When he finally started paying attention to what was going on around him once more, the table behind theirs had cleared out. Erwin was gone and his own friends were getting up to leave. He shoved the bottle of sanitizer back into his pocket, keeping it within his grip and walking over to Petra. Hanji was smiling a bit more than usual and he was nervous that if he went over there again she would just hang off him like before.

“Levi are you okay?” He glanced back at Petra who held honest concern in her eyes. She and Hanji were the only ones he’d actually talk about how he felt with, but even now that wasn’t something that he wanted to do. If he said anything, she’d come inside with him and it would make everything so much worse.

“No, I’m fine,” Levi shrugged. “There’s just a lot on my mind.” He didn’t know when he’d become a good enough liar to fool Petra. Maybe it had just been that she’d seen him as getting better for long enough now she chose to believe him even if she knew he was hiding something. That seemed more likely.

“Okay, but if it’s something I can help with…” she eyed him knowingly before taking her wife’s hand.

Levi followed them out the same way he’d followed them in, silently. Getting into their car and then back into his apartment had been a blur but the moment he stepped through his door he let out a relieved sigh.

He’d made a plan in his head, make the bed, clean the kitchen and take a shower. That list didn’t seem too horrible. When his OCD had been at its peak that list would have been four times longer and the amount of repetitions he’d have to do were insane. Now that seemed like nothing.

He slipped off his shoes, lining them up neatly on a small shoe rack he had in his front closet. He hung his coat neatly on the hanger and he turned to lock the door. Had he even locked it the first time? Had he just walked through the door? Maybe he needed to start checking that as well. He’d weaned himself off that obsession. Checking the door to make sure it was locked four times was overkill. He understood that. One time…that couldn’t be that bad could it? Lots of people probably had doubts about whether or not they locked their doors. He wouldn’t be abnormal in doing so.

His apartment wasn’t small, but it wasn’t overly large. It was just nice, neat and clean. It probably felt more like a model home than someone actually living there. He didn’t have any pictures on the walls, no plants, no ornaments on shelves. That would take far too long on cleaning sprees. He’d needed a way to cut down on time and he’d done it by removing distractions. He still had his furniture, a TV, a couch and a chair. There was a coffee table, but no magazines or papers lie on its top.

Walking through the front he passed the living room and went through a hall that lead straight to his kitchen, bedroom, bathroom and office. It was an open concept with lots of windows but he kept the blinds shut. The way they were currently sitting was symmetrical and easiest to clean

After he’d made his bed he went to the kitchen and started to scrub every surface he could. The floors, the counters, the cabinet nobs. It smelled of chemicals, it was a perfectly good clean smell. It had been a while sense he’d actually had the pleasure of smelling something so wonderful.

For a while he let himself sit on his newly cleaned floor, taking in the fumes and the relief that came with doing what his compulsions wished for him to do. He knew the feeling wouldn’t last forever though. Eventually he would remember how much he needed a shower after being in such a germ infested place, and have to get up just to comply with his mind.

And there it was, the need to force himself through a boiling shower. His mind was pushing it as a good idea, and he was inclined to agree with it.

Levi pushed himself off the floor. His head rushed and his eyes started darkening. He felt himself start to fall and did his best to grab onto the counter, but his fingertips brushed the side. It wasn’t enough to hold on and keep himself stable.

He hit the ground shortly after, everything going completely dark.

**Author's Note:**

> Here is the first chapter! Sorry about the thing at the end there, I'll try and have the next chapter up within a week. I don't know how much I'll be able to post but I'm really excited about this so hopefully its often.


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